Going to a Super Bowl party this weekend? Super Bowl parties have become some of the most important social gatherings of the year. These parties have gotten so big that whether you are hosting or going to one, the parties now seem to have an unwritten code of etiquette that confuse many. Well, it's unwritten no longer as right here I've spelled out the rules for you and you can take pride in acting accordingly this Sunday! With no further ado, I present my Super Bowl Party Rules!
The Super Bowl Party Rules!
First things first. You must get into the mindset that
Super Bowl Sunday is a National Holiday. IT IS! These days, many companies allow
employees to come in late the next day, or even take the day off, especially in
the cities represented in the game. All across America, when someone stumbles in
an hour late that next day, bosses tend to be a little more lenient, especially
if they are football fans themselves. Super Sunday is a big deal and should be
treated as such! Once you accept this realization, these rules and guidelines
will not only make sense to you but they will be easy to follow as well. And if
you refuse to acknowledge the power of the pigskin… well I wouldn’t want you at
my party.
Now the rules and what you need to know:
-On attire: It is advised but not mandatory that you
try to wear something football related whether it’s a t-shirt, hat, jersey,
scarf, gloves, face paint or the ever popular zubaz pants. Bonus points to you
if you can find more than one accessory! Also, it doesn’t matter if your
favorite team is not playing in the game, you should represent for your team
regardless. Its okay to wear a Bills jersey, a Browns hat or a Jaguars ringer
tee… this is as close to the big game as these teams get! Show your love and as
is the case with other holidays, dressing up makes the day better! Can you
imagine not wearing a costume on Halloween? A hideous sweater on Christmas? You
would probably dress up for weddings, funerals and formal events and this is no
less important!
-On what to bring: You are not actually required to
bring anything to consume, provided you've received an invitation, but if you
plan to consume large quantities of food and/or drinks, you should be courteous
to the other guests and provide things for them to enjoy. This also means no
"markup consuming", that is bringing a discount product of small quantity only
to consume tons of someone else's high quality goods. Example: Bringing a 40
ounce bottle of Olde English malt liquor and then consuming a 6-pack of
Guinness. You know in your hearts of hearts it’s not right and there should be
honor among football fans. In addition, you cannot ask to take the unused
portion of what you brought with you when you leave. It’s simply not polite. At
the end of the party, if the host wants to get rid of some of the food/junk, you
should take that opportunity to volunteer and be a “nice person”, otherwise
consider ownership of your goods transferred to the host once you walk in the
door.
-On Substances: Every party guest acknowledges when
they enter the party, it's like signing an invisible waiver stating that they
will have no knowledge of any “alleged” legal or illegal consumption of
alcoholic, psychoactive or hallucinogenic items during their stay. What people
do to enhance the game or their mood is up to them. As long as none of the party
rules are broken, everything is fine.
-On the party’s location: Be respectful of the
host’s place. No recreating any plays from the game, tackling, throwing of
objects like a football, showing off your “moves” or any other locker room
inspired antics. If you need to dance, make sure you can do it in your space. If
you need to recreate any action from the game, you must go out to the yard or
the nearest available park. After all, the Super Bowl is played on a spacious
turf, not in a living room. Treat the place as if it were your own. That also
means offering to help with cleanup after the game. Surely you can grab a few
dishes and put them in the sink/dishwasher. Think about why you didn’t host…
because you didn’t want to have to deal with everything the host is dealing
with! SO show compassion for those who have the courage to do what you are
afraid to and pitch in. If you do, you’ll be sure to get an invite the following
year, if not for the Big Dance, NHL playoffs or any future sporting event worthy
of another party.
-On America: Everyone must stand, remove their hats
and show respect for America during the National Anthem... even as the flavor of
the month "recording artist" or old fossil "vocalist" butchers it.
-On the less fortunate: There are always some people
at the Super Bowl party with little to no knowledge of football. Just know I and
most knowledgeable attendees are more than happy to help answer any questions or
explain any parts of the game that some may not be able to understand or follow
but please withhold any appropriate questions until an appropriate time, like a
bad commercial, a time out or a break in the action. However, I and even the
most helpful of football fans will not answer any questions having to address
any player’s martial status, butt or dreamy eyes.
Which leads me to...
-On the game chatter: Absolutely no dialogue can
occur during the action other than reactions, instructions and exclamations to
said action. This is especially true of the immediate perimeter around the
television. Consider it a no-fly zone for irrelevant dialogue. Any parties not
fully invested in the game may conduct conversations, face to face or phone to
phone, especially the non-football kind in the kitchen or nearest bedroom. If it
is to be an angry or loud non-game related conversation, it must be conducted at
least 100 yards from any television at the Super Bowl party.
-On the expensive commercials: All commercials will
be judged immediately with a quick and simple review ("well, that was just
stupid") that must be given before the following commercial has ended... because
that one must be judged as well!
-On potential human obstacles: Anyone standing in
front of the television for any duration longer than .5 seconds should be pelted
with all the food available to be thrown at that time. If they still have not
complied then it will be time to introduce them to the sauces, dips and
condiments at the party.
-On the halftime show: Since the halftime show
features an old musical act that is no longer relevant, the previous rules of
dialogue can be ignored and guests can and should talk freely. This would be a
wonderful time to load up on food for the second half, get to the restroom and
for those with less serious questions to ask them. Keep in mind, if a guest gets
up and goes into a room leaving something behind on their seat, the seat should
still be considered occupied and for all intents and purposes they are still
sitting there and should not lose their place. This is their reward for arriving
either early or on time. If the seat is left uncovered or as it was at the
beginning of the party, the rules of “finders’ keepers” will apply and in the
case of a tie, a friendly arm-wrestling match, coin flip or staring contest
shall be used to settle the dispute. In every case, the host may bypass the need
for a contest and simply award the seat to whomever they feel deserving of it.
-On children at the party: No kids are allowed
primarily due to the saucy language expressed throughout the game by the serious
football fans, drunk people or both. Kids also have a hard time following many
of the rules laid out in this big game planner and the only “time outs” at a
Super Bowl party happen in the game. Find a sitter.
-On Food: Keep it simple- no tofu, high brow or
vegan stuffs unless your entire guest list is comprised of vegans. Let’s be
honest though, if have 15 vegans coming over for something, it certainly isn't
going to be to watch a football game. In addition, guests should not bring
anything incredibly messy that cannot be contained safely on a paper plate. This
goes back to the previous rule about respecting the host’s place. The carpet is
not a forum for your abstract modern lasagna art.
-On Party etiquette: Despite the fact you are
probably eating like a pig from a trough, dressed loosely and comfortably and
around many of your friends there are some manners you should attempt to employ
at the party for the greater good:
Double dipping: This should not have to be explained. Think
of the famous Seinfeld episode: “That’s like putting your whole mouth right in
the dip. Look, from now on, when you take a chip… just take one dip and end it!”
The Passage of gas (burping and farting): Unless your party
consists exclusively of very large men with no regard for such things there will
be no “sharing” allowed in this manner. Farters should be treated like smokers
and sent outside to conduct their dirty business. Belchers do not have to go to
the same lengths but should attempt to muffle and certainly should not blow or
direct the burp at any other attendees. In the case of an accidental release
where a muffle or some type of control is not an option, an apology must be
presented immediately and the offender will be placed on immediate party
probation, meaning that any further violations will result in the guest losing
their seat and having to watch the rest of the game from the outer perimeter of
the party. If the offender is already on the outer party perimeter, they should
be reminded that they are very close to the door. When dealing with repeat
offenders with no regard for human life, they should either be removed from the
party altogether or placed securely in a tight closet where they alone will have
to endure their insolence.
Lastly: Under no circumstances is anyone other than
the host allowed to change the channel, and even the host MUST have a legitimate
reason (i.e. an emergency) for doing so.
So that's it! These are the rules for the big game. If you
and your guests follow these simple rules there is no reason why your Super Bowl
party won’t be a smashing success!
